I dont think happiness can be found in rituals or incantations, herbs or crystals. The creator put the power of the universe within all of us…the power that the highest beings envy. The power of choice.
We CHOOSE our own fates, our paths. We choose each day how we will respond to any circumstance. Its the one thing that makes us unique. It is the one thing that all other beings wish for and rage against us when we squander it. We can CHOOSE to be happy!
No one said it was easy, we have been told for so long we are slaves to fate…to our learning…to our genes. We need to seize this power daily. Claim it each time we feel the phantom chains of the ineffectual bondage try and take hold.
Society is all about forcing us into things that OTHERS think will make us better people. Be more responsible, be tougher, be prettier, be more sociable, be happy, smile, be more….sensitive, be more openminded….
Somedays i just have to stop and smile because thoughts of how my life will be with her by my side just flood into my mind…easily slipping in as a well-oiled..properly tooled key fits into a lock. I cant imagine any other bigger joy than knowing she will be there through our good and bad days both.
Im afraid once i finally arrive at total and complete peace of mind and happiness, ill prolly die. Prolly just before actually. God is such an ASS! :p lol
Everyone hurts you…this is the one axium we all need to accept. Once you accept this, you can find joy within yourself and no one can take it from you. Sure, they can still hurt you…and yes, they WILL and yes, it hurts alot, believe me - I know. But u have to draw the positive energy from the cosmos to not let them take your joy from you. Love yourself :)
I think after much retrospective and introspective thought, I have come to the conclusion that I am an INTERNAL SELF-HARMER. I feel these overwelming feelings. I feel these feelings of failure in everything. Failure to be skinny, failure at my job, at making friends, at being a satisfying boyfriend, at being a good son. I let everyone down or hold them back or manipulate them or put them down cuz I blurt things out that I dont even mean sometimes without thinking…or act stupid or act selfish.
I feel at these points that I dont DESERVE to be happy. I SHOULDNT be happy. It cant be REAL happiness…I must be fooling myself, others must be. Then I begin the part where I fixate and fantasize about things that have gone wrong in my life…when I wasnt happy, and I relive them over and over in my head…”savouring” the horrible feelings I had the inner part of me doing the self harm saying “see??? you ARE a failure!! No one can stand you for very long, your own mother wishes you were better at what you did and wasnt such a burden on her!! Youre lacking friends cuz ppl just find you creepy or moody or needy. U couldnt satisfy anyone no matter how hard you try cuz youre lacking…just go be a hermit and stop bothering ppl, do them and yourself a favour!” I feel the cuts in my spirit and no amount of grounding seems to take the darkness from my soul. It likes being wrapped around my heart…has for many many yrs now and I guess its the one thing that will never change in my life…thats a form of security, no? lol. Ive always found things to use to hurt my spirit…past relationships were always full of potential there….same with playground encounters as a child…constantly being beaten up…I really failed there!
My soul is so bruised and bloody…I tried cutting once and it just wasnt me…I scar way too easy for one thing. But no matter, the marks never show on my spirit.
The one thing that has been good is my love…she has been there to heal my hurts and such i do to myself…I feel so horrible for putting her thru this tho. I feel so trapped in it tho….I DO feel like I dont deserve her but at the same time I’m so glad beyond description that I do! I would be lost without her love and affection but that ugly part of me would just LOVE to try and sabotage that TOO! But I WILL be happy and I will NOT let that part of me destroy that!
Right now I hate myself for eating. I stopped eating for almost a month. I just wasnt hungry and I never even thot about food. Maybe a part of me wanted to suffer more…maybe it just wanted me to die. I never could do it on my own after all. But then I came out of the huge weight I was under and GRADUALLY started eating again with more than a few days of feeling sick and throwing up and being dizzy and scared cuz I COULDNT eat. But then I got back to normal and it kinda sling shot the other way and I LOVE to eat so I ate and ate…and now I;m scared I’ll just be the repugnant fat slob I was before…I lost 40 lbs!! I fit in skinny jeans and never did before!! I saw attraction in my gf’s eyes and I’m not sure I remember seeing it quite like that before. If I went back to my old self again…Id just hate it more than u can imagine! :S
Above all else, I hate having my gf be sad cuz I feel this way. I dont wanna punish her. Any reason for that is long past and should STAY that way! I am NOT doing this to punish her. I was this way before all this happened but I had thot Id put it all to death inside of me. I was living with the still-birthed evil inside of me like a dead fetus….But its shown to be newly alive now or always was but I just didnt notice…I can see it fucking me up in the past now that I think about it….keep me from happiness. Well it wont get my happiness THIS time!! Its mine and everything connected to it!!! I WILL be happy and the ppl around me wont hate me or want to leave me! Gawd, I sound like a wack job! :S